More About Pirates

Q. Why do pirates always have a bar of soap tied to them?
A. So when they are shipwrecked they can wash themself ashore.

About Barbeque

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom. “Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!” The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.  He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks. She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

About Medicine

A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, “I found my dog unconscious and I can’t wake him — do something.”

The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel a pulse, I’m afraid your dog is dead”.

The lady can’t accept this and says, “No, no, he can’t be dead — do something else.”

The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. “Well, that confirms it,” the vet says, “your dog is dead.”

The lady is very upset but finally settles down. “Okay, I guess you’re right. How much do I owe you?” The vet says, “That will be $340.”

The lady has a fit and asks, “Why is it so much? After all you didn’t do anything for the dog.”

“Well”, the vet replied, “it’s $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!”

About Greyhounds

Q: What did the greyhound say when he finished the race?

A: Last but not leashed!

About Parties

I can’t stop laughing at this lame one. 

Boy: Do you like parties?
Girl: Yes, why?
Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!