About Pavement

Q. Have you heard the joke about the sidewalk?

A. It’s all over town.

About Pirates Again

A pirate is walking around the waterfront with his parrot, peg leg, hook for a hand, all the pirate acoutrements, and a steering wheel attached to his belt buckle. A sailor approaches him and says, “Cap’n! What’s that steering wheel doing on your belt buckle?”

“Arrgh, matey,” replies the pirate, “it’s driving me nuts!”

About Heaven

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth are standing at the entrance of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, “There’s room enough for only one of you. Each of you must show why you deserve to be the one to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Dolly whips open her shirt and says, “Here are two of God’s most magnificent creations. Surely God wants me there with Him so that he can look upon his handiwork with great pride and satisfaction.”

St. Peter looks very impressed. He turns to the queen and gazes at her expectantly.

With great dignity, the queen walks over to a toilet and flushes. St. Peter immediately says, “Come in, Your Majesty.”

Dolly is flabbergasted. “What’s going on? Why does she get to be the one?”

St. Peter responds, “Sorry, Dolly. A royal flush beats a pair in heaven, too.”

 This one courtesy of Jessica over at got milk? Thanks!

About Specimen

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth….still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.